Stop “Should-ing” All Over Yourself
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I heard this phrase from my bishop some years ago, and it has stuck with me ever since. Not only does it sounds like another phrase with a different word…one that might make you smirk and smile to yourself, but it also makes you pause and think about what the word “should” can do to our psyche, behaviors, and ultimately our quality of life.
As I attempted to define what “should-ing” meant, it got wordy and long very quickly. Before I knew it…I had a full blown paragraph trying to explain a concept that really doesn’t need all the fluff. So, I turned to ChatGPT for help. Here are 3 simple ways to define “Should-ing” processed from my brain but organized and structured by ChatGPT. Maybe one of them resonates with you.
The mental tug-of-war between where we are and where we think we ought to be. It makes us focus on what we lack or wish we were doing more of—but through the lens of guilt and shame.
The inner conflict between our current reality and the expectations we place on ourselves. It draws attention to what we feel we’re not doing enough of or wish to change—but from a place rooted in guilt and shame rather than self-compassion.
“Should-ing” happens when guilt and shame drive our self-improvement instead of self-compassion.
Do you see some consistencies? Did you notice that each definition mentions the source that drives "should-ing” is shame and guilt? Not all “shoulds” can be treated equally. There are some things we can do to be better humans and we include “should be,” or “should do,” or “should get,” etc to get there. But what is fueling it and what is your motivation?
From “Should” to Shine!
If you’ve been buried under a pile of ‘shoulds,’ these self-care tools are here to help you clean up the mess, trade guilt and shame for compassion and grace, and start building new, healthier neural pathways toward your true potential.
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1. Pause the Inner Critic & Practice the “Kind Voice”
We all have that voice that says, “I should be doing more,” or “I should have known better.”
When it shows up, try talking to yourself the way you’d talk to a friend. This helps interrupt guilt and create a bridge to compassion. Research shows that self-compassion reduces shame and supports emotional resilience (Neff, 2003; Neff & Germer, 2018).
Try this:
Pause, take a deep breath, and say, “I’m doing the best I can with what I have right now.”
Repeat until it feels true.
2. Body Check-In: Where Does “Should” Live?
“Should-ing” isn’t just mental — it lands in the body. Maybe it’s tight shoulders, a clenched jaw, or that sinking feeling in your stomach.
A quick body scan helps you release tension before it turns into emotional exhaustion (Harvard Health, 2021).
Try this:
Close your eyes. Starting at your head, scan down to your toes. Where are you holding pressure or guilt?
Take a slow inhale into that space, and exhale to soften.
3. Replace “Should” with “Could”
“Should” is heavy; it’s guilt-laced. “Could” is lighter — it opens the door to possibility without pressure.
This simple shift re-trains the brain toward choice and empowerment (Beck, 2011; Cognitive Behavioral Therapy model).
Try this:
“I should call my mom more” → “I could call my mom today to connect.”
Notice how it instantly feels gentler.
4. Movement as Mood Medicine
When guilt or shame build up, move your body — not to burn calories or “earn rest,” but to reset your energy.
Physical movement increases dopamine and serotonin, the brain’s feel-good chemicals, improving self-perception and mood (Harvard Health, 2021).
Try this:
Shake out your hands, roll your shoulders, or step outside for a short walk.
Let movement be your reset button, not your punishment.
5. Journaling: From Obligation to Intention
Write down your top five “shoulds.” Then rewrite them from a place of intention instead of obligation.
This reflective writing technique is backed by research showing that expressive journaling helps reframe negative thought loops and improves mental clarity (Pennebaker & Smyth, 2016).
Example:
“I should be more patient.” → “I want to respond calmly because that aligns with the kind of partner I’m becoming.”
6. Connection, Not Comparison
In relationships, “should-ing” often shows up as “I should be like them” or “They should know what I need.”
Swap comparison for curiosity and communication. When we express needs instead of expecting mind-reading, relationships deepen (Gottman & Silver, 2015).
Try this:
Use “I” statements instead of “you should.”
Instead of: “You should text me more.”
Try: “I feel more connected when we check in during the day.”
7. Micro-Moments of Gratitude
Gratitude interrupts guilt. It reminds your brain of what’s working right now.
Even brief gratitude practices have been shown to increase happiness and relationship satisfaction (Emmons & McCullough, 2003).
Try this:
Each night, jot down one thing you appreciated about yourself and one thing you appreciated about someone else.
Tiny, consistent gratitude rewires the brain for connection instead of criticism.
8. Nervous System Reset: The 4–6 Breath
When you feel the “should storm” coming on, use breath to anchor back into the present. Slow, extended exhales calm the body’s stress response (Brown & Gerbarg, 2005).
Try this:
Inhale for 4 counts. Exhale for 6.
Repeat 5 times. Notice your shoulders drop and your mind soften.
For those who are hands on, here’s a FREE Guided Self-Care Tool with prompts and practices to help you de-should yourself!
Sources (APA Style)
Beck, J. S. (2011). Cognitive behavior therapy: Basics and beyond (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
Brown, R. P., & Gerbarg, P. L. (2005). Sudarshan Kriya yogic breathing in the treatment of stress, anxiety, and depression. Journal of Alternative and Complementary Medicine, 11(4), 711–717.
Emmons, R. A., & McCullough, M. E. (2003). Counting blessings versus burdens: An experimental investigation of gratitude and subjective well-being in daily life. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(2), 377–389.
Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books.
Harvard Health Publishing. (2021). Exercising to relax.
Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101.
Neff, K. D., & Germer, C. K. (2018). The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook. Guilford Press.
